End of Life Decision Making

Lynn Hudson's mother didn't want to go to a hospice.  Nor did her family want her to remain in her own home.  The best option, they agreed, was that Yiayia at 98 years of age and succumbing to cancer would live her final days with one of her daughters, son-in-law and her triplet teen grandchildren.  

This is what Lynn graciously shared with me about overseeing her mother's end of life care:

1. Be clear about your parent's death wishes.

2. Provided they have the mental capacity to do so, the patient/parent should have enough information so that he/she can decide how they want to proceed (for instance, ice chips can prolong life.  Moistening lips can keep the patient comfortable).  

3. Get all affairs including finances in order.

4. Discuss any unfinished business and unresolved feelings.

5. Make them comfortable (take advantage of various comfort aids).

6. Provide privacy (in crowded quarters, curtains can be hung).

7. Call in the clergy for final rituals and check out books on spirituality at the end of life.

8. Understand that the senses such as hearing may become more pronounced near death.

9. Grant loved ones private time with the patient.

Read what therapists Rosemary Lichtman and Phyllis Goldberg have to say.

Also, www.50somethinginfo.com has an enormous amount of information about death and dying.  Check it out.  

Less of Mom to Love

Mom's in one of those retirement communities that provides 2 meals a day. Granted the portions are miniature but they are served appetizingly. They're not "what mama used to make" but they are healthy and balanced.

Not unlike many of us mom's not-so-secret stash of chocolates took the shape over the years of more generous thighs, middle, and behind and little could reverse the direction of this unwelcome expansion.

Now mom entered this new phase of life. She's more active than she's been in ages and appears much happier.

What the rest of the family didn't expect was that within a few months there has been "less of mom to love."

That's right. Without any effort mom is taking off weight and finding the urge to replenish her goody drawer less urgent. Her phone calls now include, "I wish I had kept my sewing machine" to "Can you find me a good seamstress or tailor" to "when can we go shopping?"

Who would have known that mom may become svelte again? Move over, Marilyn Monoe!!

Holiday Gifts for Grandpa--So He Doesn't Feel Left Out

"It's not fair", I hear in the background.  "Grandpas are people too!  We like presents just as much as Grandmas do."

Okay, Grandpas of the world.  Here go my suggestions for your kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids so turn off the computers like good boys and go back to whatever you were doing.

For the rest of you:

Not being male I don't actually know what the other gender likes but I'll give it a try:

1. Software for the computer.  How about his creating the family tree or trying his hand at Poker or Bridge (so he can play with Grandma)?

2. Lessons.  I bought my daughter-in-law a private tutorial in golf.  She gets a pro instructor and all these cameras focusing on her swing.  She would learn alot (if only she could find the gift certificate!).

3. I love museum stores.  What could be better than something from the Smithsonian?

I really like the autographed baseball tie and the book about the Best of the National Air and Space Museum.

4. When Car-man and I were in Alabama, we ventured cross the border into Tennessee (no, we didn't need our passports) only to discover Jack Daniels Distillery.  The place where the winner of multiple awards is distilled can't sell the product (it's a dry county) but you can still buy it.

5.  Two tickets to a ball game, Concours d'Elegance, or a film festival.  

6. A trip back to Normandy (to remember D-Day) or to the Vietnam Memorial in Washington, D.C.   

7. Line his office or den (or garage) with historical photos.  Better yet, get some old photos of the town he grew up in and frame them.  Maybe the local public library could help you out.  

8. An massage easy chair.  Get this for him and you are his hero for life.  

9. Omaha Steaks has a special right now.  At no shipping cost, you can get 8 steaks, 4 stuffed sole, 6 burgers, 4 franks, 6 stuffed potatoes, and 4 caramel apple tartlets.  All for $109.99.  Such a deal!

10. Coupon books (like the ones you used to make in grammar school) are always winners.  Mow the lawn, make a meal, go on a picnic, take to a movie, plus lots of hugs and kisses.  This ranks with the easy chair.

11. Save Grandpa a trip out in the cold when Fido empties his bladder. 

12. Give Grandpa the world--on a write-on map mural, that is.  Fill a wall with all the places he's been or would like to be.  

13. Make getting around as fun as getting that first car.  Don't forget the basket for picking up some chocolates for Grandma. 

14. A bath/shower combo just gets roomier with curved shower rods.  Why couldn't I have thought of that?

And finally, the piece de resistance...

15. Give Grandpa's balding head a new look.

Grandma Gifts for the Holidays

Hey, Mom.  Stop reading now or your presents at the holidays won't be a surprise.  I'm always wondering what to get you and I've wised up and have kept lists (not bad for your slow learning kid).

Here are a few suggestions for those of you out there who are as clueless as I am: 

1. I was on my way with "Car-man" to deliver a new car out of my town.  I listened to a blurb on the radio about identity theft and how people leave important information (credit card numbers, signatures, bank information) in their trash only to be swept up by the unscrupulous.  How about giving mom a paper-shredder.  Okay, so it's not gift-like but you've got to admit it is practical.  An inexpensive one (less than the ones you see here) will do just fine.

2. Software for her computer:  Maybe a great game or two (Bridge, anyone?).  Make sure the program matches her PC or Mac.

3. Play tennis, baseball, golf, bowling and boxing with Nintendo Wii.     Wii Fit adapts the practically ageless fun and entertaining game machine which attaches to your tv to give you lessons on yoga, balance, and strength.  It's even great for when the grandkids and great-grandkids come over.

4. An over-the-bed table on casters.  Mom can comfortably have her morning coffee and newspaper (or crossword puzzle) in bed.

5. A funky new tote.  Use it for shopping, save those plastic bags, and do your part for saving the earth.

6. Donation to a charity in her honor.

7. Lessons on the computer, on the golf course, or in the kitchen.  Find someone who can "talk" in her language.

8. Give her kitchen or bathroom some new class with different hardware for the cabinets.

9. A baker's edge baking pan so all her brownie pieces have crunchy (not burnt or gooey) edges, a really cool gift if you want mom to make YOU brownies!

10. Swivel seats can make getting into and out of cars easier.

11. Towel warmers.  What could be better after a hot shower than a toasty towel awaiting you?

12. Floor standing magnifer lamp.  When vision isn't what it used to be, you can "see" your puzzles, books, and needlework effortlessly.

Happy holidays!

The Financial Mess We're In

How have the recent economic and political events impacted your spirituality?  Vibrant Nation, a site for 50+ women to share information and join conversations, wanted to know.   This was my response:

As I reflect on your question, I can't help but think that God is once again testing me on my perseverance, creativity, and intelligence and I fear that I will fall short of His expectations but by golly, I'll do whatever it takes not to:

Let it hurt my marriage (money is always an issue)

Spend more than we have (resist temptation)

Use up savings (now I'm really getting nervous)

Be apathetic when I can have my say (especially at the ballot box).

You see, I am the daughter of Depression-Era parents.  My dad doesn't count as much because he lived in the country and had a home so he could trade goods and services.  But mom lived in the city and felt every minute hunger pain just like most of her community.  Consequently, she learned to use everything sparingly.  In fact, I think she was one of the first to coin "recycling" before it gained popularity.

My husband and I did all the right things (so I thought)--paid our taxes, doled out our share to charities, saved for rainy days (and there were plenty) and planned for retirement.  I'm just grateful that we decided to delay retirement and keep plugging along.  All those people who counted only on Social Security and investment income are out-of-luck and sadly (and rightfully so), extremely fearful about running out of money.

I hear my prayers loud and clear to "make this crisis end" in harmony with my friends and my parents' generation.  How sad that too many of the "Greatest Generation" has to live their final years in despair.

I can't say that I don't think of the people who took their lives when their fortunes reversed in 1929.  But ultimately I am an optimist and though I don't understand God's motives, I am hopeful something good will come out of this financial mess.  Could it be a:

Deeper understanding of ourselves?

More empathy for others?

Greater understanding of how we got to this point so that we can prevent it from recurring?

Wake up call for our government to stop giving away our jobs and save them (even if we have to subsidize them) for the down-and-outters, rebuilding their confidence and self-esteem?

Turning point for mankind to redefine and question heroism, greed, and intelligence (the wealthy and the privileged are not smarter than the rest of us--each of us need not throw away our brains and behave passively because we think we don't know as much as someone else)?

Please, God, your points are made.  You have awakened us bluntly to a mismanaged world and our need to take responsibility.  May you show compassion and not let too many people suffer.

When You Can't Be There to Help: Home Health Aids

I met with "Wedding dance lady" the other day for lunch.  She told me about her mom who had open heart surgery.  WDL thought her mother was suffering from some dementia since the operation.  She was concerned at the moment that mom was getting confused about her medications.   

Luckily I could dip into my cache of suggestions and came up with the following:

There are many medication aids available, such as pill organizers as well as pill box timers and clocks.

Should WDL want "human" monitoring, she can enlist the help of a reminder call service, the internet and television, or motion and other sensors combined with video phones and telemonitors.  

Nothing takes the place of diligent caregiving.  But when distance and time interfere, it's nice to know that there are products and technology to lend a hand.

The Surprise Friend

After 2 daughters Mom hoped that her last pregnancy would yield a son. Instead she got me.

I was a chubby baby, an escape stepstool from our mutual playpen for my slightly older, more agile cousin Bobby.  I was also a real-life replacement for my 7 year old sister's doll, Susie-Q.

"Happy," "easy-going," "confident" were some of the words used to describe me as a youngster.  I gravitated more to Dad than to Mom and it remained that way until Dad died 6 years ago.

Sometime during my adult life (I can't pinpoint when), my role with my parents reversed.  I became more the parent, appearing when important decisions demanded my attention.  So I am surprised that our roles have changed once again.

Mom emptied her house (a huge job for which I am immensely grateful), closed all her accounts, and moved 1 1/2 hours away from everything and everybody familiar to her for the last 65 years. She's an active new member of a retirement community near me.  She is facing situations she hasn't encountered since her school days--which clique do you fall into, who do you eat with at mealtime, can you play the game respectably, should you get into a relationship, how vocal should you be about your views.  And she is handling each issue with grace, intelligence, and courage.

She is mastering new gadgets as well--a DVD player, a cell phone, a new tv, an Apple computer (versus her old PC).

Mom is modeling some significant character traits that I look for in a good friend.

She is not only my mother now--she is turning into a close friend.

The Real Sandwich

Mom's adjusting to her retirement community. My Mom-in-law is in the hospital.  I just attended my aunt's funeral.  It's not too soon to plan my daughter's wedding for next summer. I'm frantically working on my upcoming website.  My husband still wants to be fed.  My grandkids still want me to go to the park.  My friends wonder if I come up for air.  My Toastmasters group has one empty seat.  And I barely have time to indulge in something chocolate.   

Get the idea?

If this makes me part of the sandwich generation, then right about now I feel like this sloppy joe.  

Any suggestions for a little R&R? I hope there's a spa vacation in my future. 

Starting a New Life in a Retirement Community

I have flashbacks to when my kids entered kindergarten.  Their reluctance and anxiety had shown on their faces.  I had hoped my expression exhibited excitement rather than the trepidations  I was experiencing at the moment.

How would this new adventure play out, I wondered?  Would they make friends?  What if they were bullied?  Would they fit in?  Were they ready for the new challenges?

Those days are long gone.  

Now, unexpectedly, similar sensations are creeping into my head.  Mom is settling into a new retirement community.  I am witnessing her sadness at leaving the comfort and familiarity of her home of 40 years and her discomfort of trying to fit into a new situation.

Someone told her it would take 3 months to feel at home.  I hope that isn't so. I don't think I can last that long! 

Planning for the Future

Home Instead Senior Care and author Jo Myers have provided the ultimate planning guide for baby boomers and their parents.  

No, I'm not referring to a travel itinerary (even though I could use one just about now).

This is a simple list to prepare for the inevitable. 

No one over 50 should postpone most of these chores.   

Better yet, do your own will and/or trust or get it done by a competent attorney now.  

Senior Housing Options, A Real Puzzle

What's the difference between Assisted Living Facility, Independent Living, Adult Day Care, Adult Foster Care, Congregate Housing, Continuing Care Retirement Communities, Life Care Communities, Nursing Homes or Facilities, Residential Care, Respite Care, Senior Apartments, Senior Housing, Personal Care Facility, and Skilled Nursing Facility?   

Some are different names for the same thing.  Some are poles apart in the level of care.

You're not alone if  senior housing options and the vocabulary that accompanies them make you want to jump off a bridge.   

Check out The Senior Living Guide.  What definitions are lacking there , you can find in The Senior Housing Net.  This excellent link:

1. Helps to evaluate your needs in terms of mobility, nutrition, hygiene, housekeeping, dressing, toileting, medications, mental status and behavioral status,  

2. Provides you with appropriate housing options, including services, costs, regulations, payment options, and level of care,

4. Supplies helpful checklists to evaluate each housing option, 

3. Finds the right community depending on your city and state.

Don't fret.  Help is only a mouse-click away. 

Estate Planning As A Gift To Your Children

Thanks, Mom, for painstakingly sorting through your stuff before I have to.  Thanks for having the foresight to give away things while you are present in our lives and can witness how your children and grandchildren use precious family heirlooms.  

I know this process doesn't happen without consequences.  How you want your things distributed might be radically different from the way your offspring thinks (feelings might get hurt; jealousy or envy might surface).  It takes stamina and guts to divide your belongings the way you want and I applaud the manner with which you handled it all with dignity and grace.  

Too often children are left with the enormous job of  cleaning up the home after parents die. Coupled with shock and grief, sons and daughters are saddled with the additional burden of putting financial affairs in order and disposing of real and personal estate. 

Aging parents who clean up their affairs and  who clarify how and where they want their personal items distributed--eliminating some of the emotional toll on their children--epitomize one way to prove their love.  

  

Moving Into a Retirement Community

Mom didn't have to say anything about selling her home of 40 years and moving into a retirement community.  She didn't have to say anything because everything was written on her face.   Having family closeby quieted some of her fears but losing most things familiar--your home, your friends, your hang-outs, your doctors, and facing the last stage of your life wreaks havoc with emotions.   

For four nights Mom and Auntie Peggy sampled a very different kind of living, vastly different from their primarily solitary unscheduled routines.  The reality that this was not their usual vacation but a major life change sobered their outlook.  More than ever, they scrutinized the living accommodations (tiny), the food (good but not great), and the people (very, very nice).

I, too, was anxious about the visit.  I pondered what I could do to make the imminent transition as painless as possible.  Here's what I did:

1. I planned dinner and tea with my friends and acquaintances and their resident mothers both on and off site.

2. I put lots of snacks into the refrigerator (it's no good contemplating a move on an empty stomach!).

3. I requested that the administration display my invitation to all residents that Mom (her sister-in-law, daughter, grandson, wife, and 2 great-granddaughters) would like to meet them on Saturday at 3:00 p.m. at the pool.  Refreshments would be provided (by me).  I also indicated that Mom liked to play bridge and pan, bowl, and that she could drive.

Knowing that some events conflicted, I prepared Mom for small if any attendance.   But I was surprised and pleased to find  8-10 men and women who attended.  These people, I suspect, will become her core of new friends as she adjusts to a new life.  

  

Helping the Caregiver

Oftentimes parents are reluctant to leave the familiarity and comfort of their own home even if they are aware of their incapacities. Numerous assistive devices and services are currently available to help to deal with eating, dressing, bathing, grooming, toileting, mobility, and taking medicine.

But what if they can no longer function in all the areas with or without assistive devices.

Wouldn't it be nice if all the services you could possibly want for mom or dad were listed in one place? This way you could indicate exactly what you'd want a caregiver to provide so your parents could remain where they are most relaxed, at home.

Well, good news!

At the website for Home Instead Senior Care duties are divided into three categories: companionship services, home helper services, and personal services. According to this company, all caregivers are thoroughly screened, extensively trained, insured and bonded, matched to your preferences, and reliable.

I don't have personal experience with Home Instead but I approve their professionalism. It appears that this company can also serve the unique needs of those suffering Alzheimer's or dementia by maintaining a safe environment, managing changing behaviors, providing mind-stimulating activities, and creating social interaction.

Should you choose to be the primary caregiver yourself, use an informative website which offers ways to cope with your own stress including getting respite (relief) care.

Be sure to check out benefits your parents may qualify for.

Moving--It's Not For Sissies

Mom says selling her house wouldn't be so bad if she could keep her master bedroom.

Moving, however, is one of those chores most people dread. It's a flashback to all the events which occurred in the current place. It's a reminder of your mortality. It's a scary unknown, especially to Americans age 85 and older who make up the fastest growing segment of our population.

The physical demands of relocating are daunting. Distance, career and family obligations often limit helping Mom or Dad during the moving process. Add to this a home where they have resided 30 or more years or an illness or death of a partner and emotions run into astronomical proportions.

Frankly, I've never needed a senior move manager. But that's the direction I'm exploring now that Mom is moving into another exciting phase of her life.

What does a Senior Move Manager do?

According to National Association of Senior Move Managers, they:
Develop an overall move plan
Organize, sort, and downsize
Arrange for profitable disposal of unwanted items
Arrange for shipment or storage
Pack professionally
Unpack in the new home
And take care of other chores, such as cleaning, shopping, etc.

What they can't do, Mom, is arrange for you to cart along your master bedroom to the new location. Sorry.

Benefits You or Your Parents May Qualify For

Feel like the middle of an Oreo cookie? Congratulations. Welcome to the sandwich generation.

Our kids may still need our help but so does mom and dad. The free time we anticipated is slipping through our fingers. Hobbies and travel are thrust to the back burner replaced by time-consuming dilemmas concerning parents' housing issues, medical conditions, and caregiving. And to make matters worse, funds stashed away to cover these impending expenditures are shrinking at a frightening pace.

We don't know where to begin to seek the assistance. We are justifiably anxious that our retirement funds will be in jeopardy should we accept this daunting financial burden.

Here are a few places to begin your search:

AARP has an internet tool which finds low or no-cost state and federal public benefits programs for qualifying older Americans, private prescription drug programs offered by pharmaceutical companies or Medicare RX extra help.

To target specific benefits, use the Benefits Quick Search. You may even tap into some of your state government's offerings to see if any program is applicable and available.

Be aware of the top 10 signs that indicate if a senior is in need of housing assistance.

The Housing and Urban Development provides financial assistance resources and guides. Should you opt to speak to a HUD-approved housing counselor, one is only a phone call away.

Medicare Interactive is a one-stop source for federal and state information about health care rights, options, and benefits.

There may be extra help from Medicare to help reduce the costs for prescription drugs or consider tapping into 475 public and private programs which offer assistance to patients who don't have prescription coverage.

AARP provides information on low-cost public loans which include reverse mortgages, deferred payment loans, and property tax deferrals.

The Department of Veterans Affairs provides a booklet which states eligibility for healthcare, home loans, education, life insurance, mental health, and memorial and burial, etc.,benefits for veterans and dependents.

These are just a few places to begin getting the help you need. I wish I had the magic wand to answer all your questions. If you let me know precisely what you want, I may be of further assistance.