2 Separate Realities: Talking to a Person With Dementia

According to Caring.com's Gilbert Guide, it is better to redirect or validate a person with dementia than remind him/her that he/she is suffering from dementia.

Redirect away from the issue to something more pleasant. Be warm and open in order to reduce stress and tension.

Validate feelings and emotions. "Accept that your loved one's emotions have more validity than the logic that leads to them"

Those with dementia sometimes experience delusions and/or hallucinations. Their thoughts can be vivid and upsetting so ask simple questions to give them some relief.

The Dreaded Conversation

Caregiving is a family affair and should be discussed as a group first out of the presence of the parent. Siblings need to make plans by agreeing on or suggesting a:

1. A durable power of attorney for healthcare

2. One person in charge of financial decisions

How does a worried family member persuade a headstrong parent that moving into a long-term care facility is in their best interest?

The following is some advice I've read:

It's never too early to discuss the possibility of an elderly parent moving into a nursing home or assisted living. Mention your serious concerns about their health and safety.

Ask the parent to indulge you by visiting an assisted living facility (they may be surprised at how nice they can be). Here's how the conversation can go: "I can't make decisions about how you should run your life. It would make me feel better, though, if we could go together to look at some possible assisted living facilities so that you're better informed about what choices are available. Would you be willing to humor me in that way?"

Many places allow week or month long visits to help the parent determine if the facility "feels" right.

However, oftentimes a parent needs to feel vulnerable before they will approach the subject. They might fall, feel spooked, or are unable to deal with household duties.

If or when that happens, you can have a strategy in place.

When You Can't Be There to Help: Home Health Aids

I met with "Wedding dance lady" the other day for lunch.  She told me about her mom who had open heart surgery.  WDL thought her mother was suffering from some dementia since the operation.  She was concerned at the moment that mom was getting confused about her medications.   

Luckily I could dip into my cache of suggestions and came up with the following:

There are many medication aids available, such as pill organizers as well as pill box timers and clocks.

Should WDL want "human" monitoring, she can enlist the help of a reminder call service, the internet and television, or motion and other sensors combined with video phones and telemonitors.  

Nothing takes the place of diligent caregiving.  But when distance and time interfere, it's nice to know that there are products and technology to lend a hand.

Starting a New Life in a Retirement Community

I have flashbacks to when my kids entered kindergarten.  Their reluctance and anxiety had shown on their faces.  I had hoped my expression exhibited excitement rather than the trepidations  I was experiencing at the moment.

How would this new adventure play out, I wondered?  Would they make friends?  What if they were bullied?  Would they fit in?  Were they ready for the new challenges?

Those days are long gone.  

Now, unexpectedly, similar sensations are creeping into my head.  Mom is settling into a new retirement community.  I am witnessing her sadness at leaving the comfort and familiarity of her home of 40 years and her discomfort of trying to fit into a new situation.

Someone told her it would take 3 months to feel at home.  I hope that isn't so. I don't think I can last that long! 

Helping the Caregiver

Oftentimes parents are reluctant to leave the familiarity and comfort of their own home even if they are aware of their incapacities. Numerous assistive devices and services are currently available to help to deal with eating, dressing, bathing, grooming, toileting, mobility, and taking medicine.

But what if they can no longer function in all the areas with or without assistive devices.

Wouldn't it be nice if all the services you could possibly want for mom or dad were listed in one place? This way you could indicate exactly what you'd want a caregiver to provide so your parents could remain where they are most relaxed, at home.

Well, good news!

At the website for Home Instead Senior Care duties are divided into three categories: companionship services, home helper services, and personal services. According to this company, all caregivers are thoroughly screened, extensively trained, insured and bonded, matched to your preferences, and reliable.

I don't have personal experience with Home Instead but I approve their professionalism. It appears that this company can also serve the unique needs of those suffering Alzheimer's or dementia by maintaining a safe environment, managing changing behaviors, providing mind-stimulating activities, and creating social interaction.

Should you choose to be the primary caregiver yourself, use an informative website which offers ways to cope with your own stress including getting respite (relief) care.

Be sure to check out benefits your parents may qualify for.

Caregiving When You Can't Be There

Bob (looking at my driver's license): Sue, why did you put that weight down on your license? You haven't been that weight (15-20 pounds more than I actually am) since you were pregnant with Erin (30 years ago).

Sue: I'm looking ahead.

Bob: You're looking ahead to what?

Sue: When I gain weight, I won't have to make changes on my license

Bob: But you may never weigh that much.

Sue: Yeah, but you never know. Besides, if I ever decide to commit a crime, they'll be looking for someone much heavier.

Bob (shaking his head): You know? You've been watching too much Law & Order.


Did you know that nowadays you can utilize your tv for more than just watching your favorite programs?

Certain companies help supervise the wellness of homebound elderly by using "smart house technology." Day to day habits may be revealed with or without intrusive cameras or microphones. Detectors are affixed to floor mats, chairs, walls, beds, and kitchen appliances. Gait monitors report a person's ability to get around. And many veterans are using "Health Buddy" which checks and communicates pulse, blood pressure, and lungs data.

Should you want peace of mind regarding the care of a loved one, check out these sites:

LifeAlert is endorsed by Dr. C. Everett Koop, M.D., former Surgeon General. This company supplies equipment for life-threatening medical, police, or fire emergencies. Lightweight, wireless, and waterproof monitors worn around the wrist or neck enable the user to contact LifeAlert operators who can summon for immediate aid.

GrandCare Systems uses the Internet and the senior's television to monitor wellness. Family and friends can send messages, reminders, calendar appointments, etc. on a dedicated, customized television channel.

ViTelCare Home Health Monitoring allows patients to use a touch-screen monitor to transfer health measurements with healthcare professionals who make medical adjustments based on the data inputted. Elderly facing ailments such as heart failure, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, Diabetes, Hypertension, Major Depressive Disorder can be observed closely.

Maybe you can prevent a catastrophe before it happens.