In Her Final Days

Sorry, dear readers. I've been busy.

Mom is in her final stage of lung cancer. I feel like a part of me is dying with her. Thank goodness our town has unbelievable hospice services since both my husband and I have been down for the count with a virus.

If you are in a similar situation:

Use palliative and hospice services. They accept Medicare and make the whole process for both the patient and family easier. This is not recuperative care--it is comfort care.

I don't recommend the cots they can put in hospital rooms. I think they are meant to put you there but when a dear one feels better about having you beside her, be aware that you can probably get one in a pinch.

I am preparing myself for the inevitable. Mom has already told me what she wants for her funeral. But I wish I could capture her essence. Maybe if I had a video of her beautiful smile while telling the stories I've heard dozens of times, it would comfort me.

But mom is resting more, talking less and eating practically non-existent.

Imagine almost a century of life. The Depression, WWII, the Cold War, Korea, Vietnam and it goes on and on. Will the wars ever stop?

Now the last great-grandchild that she will meet coos at her, smiles at her and naps with her. I witness the beauty of generations, the power of legacy. I know I am one lucky lady to experience this but I can't stop dying inside.

Mom's Miracle: Why It's Important to Plan Ahead

It's been a while since I last posted. That's because my mom, age 92 years, landed in the hospital three times since March.

This last visit looked like the final one. The rabbi lead the family in prayer for a miracle or for gentle passing (honestly, I don't remember because I was so distraught). Because mom was obviously struggling and in discomfort, I, as the health care advocate who knew her Do Not Resuscitate wishes, agonizingly ordered the removal of the breathing tube.

To our surprise (and the doctors consternation!) Mom started breathing on her own.

She is now home. She'll have nurse aide visits and physical therapy for as long as Medicare will cover the costs.

She uses a walker but is anxious to get rid of it. She continues to do her exercises as she brushes her teeth twice a day. She is feisty and sharp as ever.

And I am lucky to have her around for however much precious time she has left.

Please, please, please plan ahead. Have your loved one select a health care advocate. Provide your physician and hospital with a copy of your health care directive. Keep a copy of current medications in the medicine cabinet and/or above the refrigerator. Check out how hospice or palliative care can help. And do a lot of praying. I did.

End of Life Decision Making

Lynn Hudson's mother didn't want to go to a hospice.  Nor did her family want her to remain in her own home.  The best option, they agreed, was that Yiayia at 98 years of age and succumbing to cancer would live her final days with one of her daughters, son-in-law and her triplet teen grandchildren.  

This is what Lynn graciously shared with me about overseeing her mother's end of life care:

1. Be clear about your parent's death wishes.

2. Provided they have the mental capacity to do so, the patient/parent should have enough information so that he/she can decide how they want to proceed (for instance, ice chips can prolong life.  Moistening lips can keep the patient comfortable).  

3. Get all affairs including finances in order.

4. Discuss any unfinished business and unresolved feelings.

5. Make them comfortable (take advantage of various comfort aids).

6. Provide privacy (in crowded quarters, curtains can be hung).

7. Call in the clergy for final rituals and check out books on spirituality at the end of life.

8. Understand that the senses such as hearing may become more pronounced near death.

9. Grant loved ones private time with the patient.

Read what therapists Rosemary Lichtman and Phyllis Goldberg have to say.

Also, www.50somethinginfo.com has an enormous amount of information about death and dying.  Check it out.  

Tips For Caregivers Who Need Love Too

Care giving is physically and emotionally exhausting.  Lynn Hudson, my hairstylist, oversaw the last months of her mother's life.  This is what she shared with me about end of life care: 

1. Be conscious of burnout:  Enlist the help of family members and hired help.

2. Take advantage of all the aids to make the patient more comfortable.

3. Keep visitors on the premises for no longer than 10 minutes (it's easier on both the caregiver and the patient)

4. Know what to expect ahead of time.

5. Be aware that rituals may feel calming.  

Should you want to know more about this stage, consider asking therapists Rosemary Lichtman and Phyllis Goldberg.   

Or if you want to know everything you need to know about caregiving, visit www.50somethinginfo.com.